Friday, November 19, 2004

What have you done today to make me feel unclean?


Ian surveying the proposed location of new Olympian Paradise
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Well, the London Bid for the 2012 Olympics went public today, as did the promotional video.
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The swine behind the bid surprised me just as I had finished eating my breakfast. It took ages to wipe the chunder off my TV screen.

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It was less of a promotional video and more a crime against humanity.

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Set in that non-existent London populated by the likes of Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell it featured a cast of the most appalling theatrical luvvies including Joseph Fiennes, Helen Mirren and global megastar Martine McCutcheon. I'm sure I saw Jeremy Irons at one point though he isn’t credited in the press release. Naturally, in keeping with the exceptionally dated inspirational Cool Britannia theme, Heather Small was doing her anthem thing and singing 'Proud' in the background. Ken Livingstone also featured, but he would wouldn’t he. Bravely eschewing cliché, the video included hordes of bowler hatted men with umbrellas, including a couple of Black guys, wandering around the City just like what really happens every single day.

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I'm sure they all gave their time for free.
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We were also treated to views of classic red London routemaster buses. You know, the ones that are being phased out because of the rise of compensation culture and the £50m pa claimed by people stupid enough to fall off them. There were some old style telephone boxes too. Yes, the ones that are being phased out because of vandalism, people using them as toilets and as bulletin boards for East European call-girl rings.
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There's also a scene where, former James Bond actor, Roger Moore opens a briefcase to find that it contains a packed lunch. I remember laughing at that joke, about five years ago when Robbie Williams used it in the video for Millennium.
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Total running time of the video 4.31. Total time given to scenes set in the actual main proposed Olympic sites in Hackney and Greenwich, about 4 seconds.

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I feel unclean, almost violated, after having watched it.

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Yes, I feel inspired now to walk out of my front door, approach some of the legions of multi-ethnic paraolympians who apparently cheerfully practice on the streets of London and sing in my best pop anthem voice:

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'What have you done todaaaaaaay to make me feel prooooooooud!!!!'
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I'd get twatted in less than 3 seconds.
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Side-splitting funny man Griff Rhys Jones currently has a spot on the front of the Official London Bid Web Page. Oh how I laughed at his humorous repartee; it was all I could do to drag my mirth-shattered frame to the telephone and order some replacement spare ribs from the local Chinese take-away.

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And then there was the text of the bid itself. Apparently, we're going to get new schools, hospitals, bullet trains and, above all, a new sense of purpose in our lives. And this will cost each of us less than 5 pence each. Personally, Seb Coe lost me about a nanosecond after he referred to 'London's excellent public transport infrastructure'.

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Part of the thrust of the bid seems to be a claim that we need a successful bid so that we can build the new accommodation and transport links that this city so desperately needs. Mmmm, capital city of 4th richest economy in the world, just about the most expensive place to live on Earth, yet we apparently need to attract a 17 day sporting event here in 8 years time so that we might get some trains that work.
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Come on, everyone knows Olympic bids are corrupt and deceitful. According to the Auditor-General of New South Wales, Sydney ended up costing over twice the pre-bid figures. In Athens total costs will be at least four times as high as the bid committee's initial budget. The extent of spending on infrastructure for the Athens Olympics is so huge it's hard to establish an exact figure, but the majority of the famous "Olympic Legacy" of Athens is in fact being largely borne by EU taxpayers under the unaudited and colossally wasteful Community Support Funds. The guys at Athens were smart, they got the EU to underwrite the games. Here in London it looks like we're to bear to total cost locally. The last City to do that was Montreal which, I understand, is still bankrupt from the 1976 games. Now that's a legacy to aim for.
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The Olympics are all about corrupt, unaccountable officials gorging themselves senseless on public money; then rubbing our noses in it by handing over tickets to all the popular events to other corrupt officials and the corporate hospitality industry. I note from the London Olympic bid document that the IOC members are to be housed in Park Lane, Mayfair; not particularly handy for the proposed main Olympic sites in East London but exceptionally close to West End shopping, Mayfair casinos and upmarket whoring.

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But if you're going to lie about the costs and the benefits of the Olympics why feel limited? If none of it is true why not up the stakes a little? Offer everyone in London a free DVD player and crate of lager in the event of a successful bid. Paint a picture of London in 2012 where everyone is dressed in tinfoil tunics and flying around in personal jetpacks; a London where disease and poverty have been abolished. It's all cobblers anyway, so why hold back?

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Touch wood, if we're lucky the London Bid team will do a Paula Radcliffe; realise that they won't win a few days before the result is announced and start crying at the side of a road, complaining of heat exhaustion.
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Disgraceful LondonOlympic video here ….

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I haven’t finished with this at all. Not by a long chalk. Those people will rue the day they made me lose my breakfast.

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